Behavior Patterns

The following traits and behavior patterns are the tactics these personality types use against you, and at times on themselves. Some of these traits are found in a sample of handwriting, many are not.

Understand that if some of these traits are identified in a sample of handwriting that does not mean the personality has a disorder. You cannot diagnose a medical issue through handwriting. There is no scientific evidence at this time to validate those claims. The behavior patterns must be consistent over an extended period of time. The reason for this statement is each and everyone of us can have a bad day, wake up on the wrong side of the bed, due to the stress we all deal with on a daily basis. A bad day or week does not mean the personality has an issue. When handwriting was not available,

I must know and understand their behavior patterns and the "leakage" that slips out when profiling these very complex personalities. The behavior patterns listed below are and not limited to;

Love Bombing

I am asked by my clients time and time again "Tony what are the red flags I should be aware of when I meet a new person." There are many red flags. If I were to pick one that I would say is my number one red flag, from a profiling standpoint, it would be what is called love bombing. What is love bombing?

Love bombing is an attempt to influence a person by lavish demonstrations of attention and affection. The phrase can be used in different ways. Members of the Unification Church of the United States (who reportedly coined the expression) use or have used it to convey a genuine expression of love, friendship, fellowship, interest, or concern. In a new relationship love bombing is used by all of the dysfunctional personalities I have profiled.

This tactic is also used by the psychopath in an attempt to disarm you and get you hooked emotionally to him/her. You have found the man or woman of your dreams, it will not be long before those dreams become a horror movie in which you are the star. Dysfunctional personalities such as the borderline, borderline/narcissist, narcissist use love bombing as a way to get their validation needs met, to bolster their low self esteem. The psychopath uses it to get their "gratification needs" met. Such as your body, children, money, etc. They could care less about you. The only love they feel for you, is what they can extract from you. Once they have used you, they dump you like yesterdays trash.

 All of these personalities use love bombing but for different reasons. The outcome is the same you are hurt, emotionally, financially, physically. Relationships take time, with love bombing the personality wants the relationship to start off very quickly. You are overwhelmed with love, attention. You are idealized and put on a pedestal. After one or two dates this personality knows you, connects with you, you feel like you have know each other for years, your soul mate. Their love and concern for you during the seduction phase has your head spinning.

Beware of phrases in the early stages of a new relationship such as:

I can't believe I've finally found someone like you.

I've never felt so comfortable in someone's company before, it is like I have know you my whole life.

You're the most beautiful woman (or man) I've ever seen. You have the most attractive (eyes, hair, body shape, smile, dimples).

I think I love you. I think I want to marry you. The key word is think.

I never got married before because I haven't found someone like you. We have so much in common.

We are so much alike.

He/she pressures you into becoming intimate in a short amount of time.

Relationships take time, getting to know someone takes time, it does not happen over night. It does not happen after two or three dates. Love at first sight happens only in romance novels. Remember what I have taught you, consistent behavior over an extended period of time.  

Engulfment Fears

I wanted to expand on this behavior pattern. This is my own personal and humble opinion based on my experience working with dysfunctional personalities and their partners. Engulfment fears is a very misunderstood behavior pattern. Many people think that engulfment is (you) the normal functioning personality is engulfing the dysfunctional or highly insecure personality by being needy, clingy, wanting all of their attention and by smothering the him/her. No that is not the case. They want and love that behavior from you. It pacifies and reassures them, during their seduction phase. Their engulfment fears kick in when they are engulfed by their deep emotions for you. They think about you more and more, they can't focus at work, they want to know what you are doing, who you are with, why haven't I heard from you, etc. They start to worry that they feel more for you, than you feel for them. This is where their imagination becomes their reality, this is when they will "twist the facts to fit their emotions." To the normal functioning personality "our emotions fit the facts." 

This is when you will start to see the testing begin. They become very demanding, wanting you to jump to their every whim and want. The problem is they will keep raising the bar, raising the bar, time and time again.  They need constant reassurance because of their deep insecurity. This behavior may work with another insecure personality type, but will not a confident one. The first time you don't jump over that demanding bar, and you start to draw a boundary line, that is proof positive to the dysfunctional personality that you don't love them enough, want them enough. That triggers their abandonment fears. In their mind this is a prelude of things to come. That you will abandon them and walk away. They cut off their finger to save their hand so to speak. They split you from the once man or women of their dreams to dirt under their feet. This is a form of ego protection for them. I, the dysfunctional personality walked away from you. You didn't walk away from me. I will abandoned you first, before you will abandon me.  A behavior pattern called splitting.

Splitting 

Why do dysfunctional personalities split? This question is asked more than any other behavior pattern when I am dealing with the partner of a (DP). This splitting behavior is also on a bell curve from mild to extreme. This splitting behavior drops the partner on their head. They do not understand how and why this has happened. This splitting behavior can cycle very rapidly from minute to minute or from day to day. It is part of the push/pull cycle. I love you, go away. I hate you, come back. The non or partner thinks it was them that caused the split, something they did or said. This is not the case. It is a very confusing behavior pattern; you are loved one minute and hated the next. 

This behavior pattern is something that their partner, friend or family member just cannot wrap their head around. They end up feeling guilt and pain for something they did not cause.    

Both of these personality types can love you one minute hate you the next. A defense tactic called splitting. 

When you have co-morbid crossovers of both dysfunctional personality types you are dealing with a two headed monster. Both of these personality types have engulfment and abandonment issues. Both fear abandonment a pain they cannot deal with. These personality types uses different defense tactics to avoid these painful emotions. Both of these personality types travel different roads (defense tactics) to end up at the same location. 

The narcissist has made themselves believe that they are special, omnipotent, grandiose, they need no one. They hate the word love. Love is a weakness to them. The narcissist is above such average emotions. This is something for the average person. "I" the narcissist is above such average basic human emotions and needs. In the mind of the narcissist if I do not let you get close to me emotionally, you can't hurt me. 

The problem with the narcissist is when someone does get close, he/she feels emotion for their partner. Usually the secondary source of their narcissistic supply, partner, wife loved one or when these personality types date up. Their mask starts to slip. The narcissist becomes angry with him/herself. The narrative that they are special, omnipotent, grandiose is flawed. Why? The narcissist asks him/herself if I am so powerful and I need no one why do I feel abandonment anxiety? This sends them into a rage. First, they rage against themselves for being weak, then on to you a tactic called projection. Why? They need to reinsert their superiority. By raging at you and making you feel worthless they feel superior again. 

Second, they are testing you to see how abuse you will take, they watch your reaction to their abuse. The more abuse you take the better they feel about themselves. If you are a co-dependent type and have issues of your own this is a match made in hell.

Third, and the most important reason is the narcissist knows that you will abandon them at some point, everyone else in their life has so in their mind you will be no different. To avoid this shame and emotional pain of another failed relationship, because of their constant abuse and gas lighting tactics. They pay very close attention to see if you begin to draw boundary lines with them and start to question their behavior, they know abandonment is right around the corner, to defend their frail ego they say to themselves;
"You did not abandoned me, I forced you to abandon me by my abusive behavior towards you, I am the one who made you do this, I was in control, I am the one who fostered the separation." This reinserts his/her superiority, a defense tactic called cognitive dissonance.

Both of the personality types have abandonment issues and fears but handle those fears differently. The emotionally unstable type is like a burn victim that feels pain and emotion five times more intensely than the average person. This personality type goes through three phases called; seduction, love, hate phase. I have added a forth phase based on my experience working with them and their partners called the engulfment phase. Both the narcissist and the moody unstable type go through the seduction phase, both come on strong and quick called love bombing, early in your interaction with them. The sex and their emotions for you is intense and very seductive. They sweep you off your feet. 

The moody unstable type goes on to the love phase, the narcissist does not. This is where these two personality types part company in their behavior patterns. To the narcissist love and intimacy is a weakness. The narcissist believes "if I let you get close to me, you can hurt me." The narcissist will have sex with you, not make love to you. You are nothing more than a masturbation tool especially for the somatic type. 

The love phase is where things are going somewhat smoothly for the emotionally unstable type. This personality has found the love of their life, something they have never experienced before in their life. Something they have always wanted but never had. They are somewhat unsure and a little mistrusting of these intense emotions. Why? They have never experienced a true loving relationship starting with their parents, this is a new experience for them. 

I have added what I call the engulfment phase, based on my own working experience with them and their loved ones. This is the phase that you will see the emotional instability of these personalities. What has happened is they are now engulfed by their strong emotions "for you" this terrifies them, a light bulb goes off in their head, "oh my God what if I love him or her more than they love me, they will abandon me, I will be hurt, I will be devastated." This is where you see them test you, start fights, be angry. They test you by asking or wanting you to do everything under the sun. When you comply they are reassured for a short time, the reassurance does not last, they raise the bar again, you comply, they keep raising the bar until that first time you don't do what they want. That is all they are looking for, Ha! I knew it, this validates their insecurities. This is where you will see how they will "twist the facts to fit their emotions" with normal functional personalities "our emotions fit the facts." Their imagination becomes their reality. I knew I was right. Now they enter the hate phase.

The hate phase is where they split you called splitting going from loving you to death to hating you with that same intensity. Now you are dirt under their feet. These personality types are the type that emotionally "cuts off their finger to save their arm" when all they had was a small scratch. They will abandon you before you abandon them, they will leave you before you leave them, they will cheat on you before you cheat on them. In an instant they are gone and you are dropped on your head. Not long after they have left you they now have triggered their own abandonment fears and they start hovering in attempt to get you back. You go back and the process starts all over again. Most will exhibit this behavior pattern some will not. Not all moody emotionally unstable personality types act alike. Some will leave you and never return. 

 This has nothing to do with you, let me repeat this. This acting out behavior has nothing to do with you.  It is very hard for most of my clients to understand this concept. Yes, they are directing their behavior at you, but you are only the dart board or the fill in for the primary care giver that caused the problem in their childhood. As children they did not have the ability to lash out at the primary care giver. The emotions that they felt as children are alive and kicking in their long term memory.  When these personalities fear of abandonment and engulfment fears are triggered in the here and now, this brings up all of the fears and abandonment trauma from childhood. What you are seeing is the child not the adult reacting to those fears. They are now acting out at their primary care givers. You their partner do not exist. When their fears are triggered you are watching the actions of a four or five year old in an adult body. Many of my clients ask "what did I do or say to make them hate me like this. I should have said this or that, I should not have done this or that."  This is not the case; it has nothing to do with you. Their fears are triggered when they become emotionally close to you. Being emotionally close makes then feel venerable and triggers their abandonment fears, if I am close to you, you can hurt me. So they need to push you away to feel safe again. Then after they push you away their abandonment fears are triggered again and they pull you back in. People who had care givers who gave their children the love and nurturing in childhood grow up with a sense of self. They were given love and security. For dysfunctional personalities this was never the case, they were robbed of these basic human needs. This fear and uncertainty was carried into adulthood.  

Remember as I have said, these personalities were not born this way, they were made this way. Do these personalities want love, yes they do. The problem is they never trusted love. They live their lives saying this to themselves, if my mother or father never loved me, cared for me and treated me less than human. How can I trust you, will you not do the exact same thing to me? I am not going to relive that horror again. 

The problem is they do relive this horror, in every new relationship they get involved in.      

Hyper Sensitive / Explosively Sensitive to Criticism pertaining to Self and Function.

These traits rated very high in all of the dysfunctional personalities  I profiled.  
I want to explain these traits and what caused them before I explain how the (DF) responds to being rejected, ridiculed, criticized, or punished. I will identify and discuss the traits of sensitivity to criticism pertaining to oneself and sensitivity to criticism pertaining to the personalities function. To be fair we must remember the (DF) was not born this way, they were made this way.

All of us are somewhat sensitive to criticism, no one wants to be rejected or ridiculed. It is the degree of these sensitivities and what caused this fear/defensive trait, that will be the focus of this article. 

Personalities who have sensitivity traits in their profile were not born with this fear/defensive trait, rather it was developed during our early years over the day to day fears of being rejected, ridiculed, criticized or punished.

For example, I am sure you have known or know someone who has an overweight child. There is always either a family member or friend who just has to give this child a nickname, like "porky" "fatty" "my little piglet" and so on. This person thinks this nickname is funny or cute, however, the child most likely will not think it is very amusing, and may be feeling extremely rejected and ridiculed. Also constant comparing the child to other siblings or family members in an attempt motivate the child to perform better in school, sports, or behavior patterns etc. Will only fuel the child's feelings of low self worth and feeling they are never good enough, they will always feel that no matter how hard they may try, they will never live up to their parents, family, teachers expectations. This tactic used by adult care givers only reaffirms the child's inner narrative and belief that they are not good enough, they are worthless and can never be loved for who and what they are.      

Because the subconscious mind has no conception of time and does not reason nor rationalize these unpleasant memories can and will resurface when this trait is triggered twenty or thirty years after these negative childhood names/memories have long been forgotten. The reason for this is the emotion either positive or negative that was attached to the event. Strong emotions anchor these memories in our sub conscious mind and are part of (episodic or auto biographical memory.) It is very common to find this adult to be extremely sensitive to any comments with respect to his/her weight, height, eyes, hair, anything pertaining to themselves on a personal nature and to react in a very negative way. The reason being when this negative memory is brought up to conscious awareness the negative emotion attached to the past event is brought up with it. The same applies to sensitivity to criticism pertaining to ones function. A function can include the personality's job performance, parenting skills, artistic skills, etc. Whatever it is the personality does and how well he/she through their own perspective does regarding that function. This is also an attack on their ego. To many personalities their face to the world is projected by what they do.   
The personalities emotional make up and their intensity level will tell us how volatile their reaction will be. Extroverts will respond rather quickly. Ambiverts who are more emotionally controlled personalities will suppress and then explode when they have reached their saturation point.

Sensitivity to criticism in a personalities profile can be an asset as well as a detriment depending on the course of action he/she takes.

A personality who has low self esteem and lacks confidence in his/her self may chose to do very little or only attempt little short term goals or a level of perfection that they know they can a achieve. Never leaving their personal or professional comfort level.

Personalities who have good confidence and self esteem will strive to attain a level of perfection in their work environment or personal appearance to become the very best they can be. They will stop at nothing to achieve their goal. A confident personality will accomplish this in a healthy mature fashion. 

Regardless of the course of action taken, the personality believes their course of action will reduce their risk of being further rejected, ridiculed, criticized or punished.

The dysfunctional personalities sensitivities are of such a nature that they bring the term walking on eggshells to a new level. Their eggshells are filled with Nitro Glycerin. These personalities are hypersensitive to well, just about everything. Any remark no matter how slight or innocent can and will set these personalities off. These personalities are hyper vigilant to any form of rejection, ridicule, criticism or punishment, (real or imagined.)  A look, a sigh, a huff or puff on your part is taken as an attack upon their fragile ego and sense of self worth. Their behavior can range from sulking, giving you the silent treatment, becoming distant, to rage, anger and outright aggression. Any criticism of their behavior reactivates their core shame and will trigger their abandonment fears. These personalities cannot tolerate being seen as anything less than perfect. When they are set off, attempting to have any rational conversation with them is a waist of your time and effort. They will turn everything back on to you, you caused it, and it will always be your fault. These personalities are never at fault. With these personalities the best defense is a good offence. It is impossible to have a rational adult conversation with a three year old. When you express your concerns, when you attempt to hold them accountable for their abusive/immature actions or behaviors. They will hold you in contempt, a primitive defense tactic called cognitive dissonance. They will yell, scream, argue, throw things, break household items and in the worst case scenarios physically attack you. Tearing you down, blaming you for their behavior will reduces the impact of the disagreement or perceived criticism off of them, back on to you.

Deception 

Do dysfunctional personalities lie, and why? Well the reasons for their deception is the fear of being exposed for the insecure personality they are. I am not talking about the psychopath or what is called the antisocial personality. Their deception is strictly for person gain and to avoid getting caught for their crimes. Lying for the psychopath is like playing a game; they love the ability to pull the wool over their victims and law enforcement’s eyes. They have no problem with deception because of their complete lack of any guilt or empathy for their targets. Detecting their deception is very difficult. They do not have the tell tale signs (body language tells) that most people will express when burdened with guilty knowledge.  More times than not the psychopath will express what is called (duping delight) a very quick smirk or smile when being interviewed.

What is deception?  Lying is a conscious act to deceive the target.  Self deceit a form of rationalization or thinking errors is lying to self. Once the personality has convinced self of the deception and expresses the deception outwardly it now becomes (willful deceit.) Both self and willful deceit as well as the compulsive liar are traits that can be detected and Identified in these personality types. The reason these personalities lie is to avoid exposure for the true insecure personality he/she is. Once the dysfunctional personality has been exposed they know abandonment is is not far behind.  

 Research has shown that people are no more than fifty percent accurate in detecting deception. One of the main reasons is people have what is called a built in truthfulness bias. This makes us less likely to believe others are lying to us. One of the other reasons that deception is difficult to detect is that deceptive people will weave lies within a truthful statement.

The most difficult lie to detect is the lie of omission. What a person is not telling you by leaving out important parts of their statement lie of omission can be just as damaging as when he/she is being outright deceptive.

To detect deception with any degree of accuracy I look for and analyze signs of emotional leakage, discomfort displays that are at variance asynchrony with the picture that is being presented to you. Honest people have synchrony between what is being said and their non verbal body language expressions. Honest people do not have difficulty answering your questions; deceptive people do, because of the stress it causes.

Dysfunctional personalities are very good at impression management the face they want to show publicly or socially. I pay very close attention to how they act behind closed doors when no one is watching.  

Jealousy/Envy 

Jealousy is the great insecurity. This fear trait rated extremely high in all of the insecure personalities I profiled over the years. This jealousy was "Sexual Jealousy" or what is called "Morbid Jealousy," the most dangerous type of Jealousy. These extremely insecure personalities were the most volatile when their Abandonment Fears were triggered real or imagined. They accused their partners of everything under the sun. They checked everything, their computer, panties, their car, their phone, their face book page, tried to isolate them from family and friends, they are jealous of their hobbies, anything that took attention away from them. You must remember with the "insecure personalities," their imagination now becomes their reality. They watched their partner like a Hawk every time they went out.

Extreme Jealousy is a form of insanity, there is no logic to these personalities when they are triggered. In one case I worked on, I heard these words from him, "if I can't have her, nobody will have her." I talked with this man for over a month. I conducted a threat assessment profile on him for the client who hired me. I stated point blank this very jealous insecure male would harm his wife, she was in imminent danger. Two weeks later I received a call from the client who hired me. He killed his wife in a very horrific fashion. An act of extreme violence on an innocent woman that has haunted me to this day.

With these insecure personality types jealousy is the most dangerous and the most corrosive behavior pattern. Jealousy is the great insecurity. All of us have felt a little insecure at times. This is not a problem, we deal with it in a reasonable manner. We have a healthy opinion of our own self worth. Most of us can validate ourselves from within we do not need others to validate our own self worth. These insecure personalities cannot. They need others do so.

Their jealousy does not mean that Suzy Q has a new mink coat and I do not. This is more in line with envy which is the kissing cousin of jealousy. Many times jealousy and envy are confused with one another. Jealousy is the feeling that the personality is not getting the love, attention, affection respect or admiration that he/she feels they deserve at this stage in their lives. When jealousy enters into the pathological area such as "Sexual Jealousy" or as it is labeled "Morbid Jealousy" also called the "Othello Syndrome." That is when jealousy has entered into a very dangerous and volatile area. This is where the statement "If I can't have him or her nobody will," enters into the picture. Never, ever dismiss that statement.

Extremely jealous personalities want to own and possess another person which is an physiological and psychological impossibility. Not to the extremely jealous personality. There are warning signs early in the relationship that should flag you to the possibility that your new love interest may be a very possessive and insecure personality. Handwriting Analysis is the quickest way to detect the trait of jealousy and how consistent the trait is in the personality with the other underlying traits the will reinforce or reduce this fear trait and its potential for violence on a scale of one through ten. When the handwriting is not available early on in the relationship there are red flags and behavior patterns that you should be aware of, remember falling in love takes time, personalities who fall deeply in love with you after three or four dates is always suspect. Personalities who need to call or text you all day, checking up on you, wanting to know who you are with, asking what time you will be home, becoming angry if you want time to spend time with your friends of family. Becoming involved in every aspect of your life in the early stages of your relationship. Becomes moody or angry when you want to do something that does involve him/her. Violates your personal space, checking your cell phone, computer. Wants to move the relationship faster than you would like, talks about moving in with you, getting married. Talks in terms that you are the one magic person that completes him or her. Extremely jealous personalities are very controlling. You are their possession an object. Never confuse jealousy with love.

Domineering

A Dominant personality is positive, they are powerful and influential. Five percent of the personalities in our society today are Dominant. One in twenty. Male or female it does not matter. A Domineering personality is negative, these personalities do not believe they can control or lead others by their own volition like a dominant personality can. Domineering is a trait found in a sample of handwriting and by their behavior patterns. When handwriting was not available it is the behavior patterns of the person I am profiling that will determine how domineering he/she is. All eight degrees of emotion from severe Introvert to extreme Extrovert can exhibit domineering behavior patterns depending on his/her confidence, self-esteem and insecurities. The more emotional personality type is more overt in this behavior pattern where the emotionally controlled personality type will be more covert in this behavior pattern. Their intensity level (pressure) will tell me how intense this behavior pattern will be expressed.

Domineering is a tactic used by highly insecure personalities and is a behavior pattern used by the Dysfunctional Personalities (DP) in an attempt to control, manipulate, intimidate, to order and demand submission. Personalities such as this try to gain mastery over the minds and overall well being of those closest to them. They are arrogant, obnoxious, and tyrannical, they will have a tendency to bluff you to get the desired result. The possibility of abandonment and leaving you, the list is endless. Depending on other underlying traits detected, identified, analyzed and evaluated they are quite capable of physical violence to obtain their desired end.

Domineering behavior is a form of gas lighting. This emotional manipulation tactic will run the gamut from crying/tears whimpering, moaning and groaning, dejection, silent treatment, distancing behavior, refusal to communicate in an adult manner and outright threats and violence until their demands are met. They are also type two control freaks. They will emotionally manipulate you by proxy called (flying monkeys) to get others to put pressure on you. To these personalities there is strength in numbers.

These personalities are brutal with emotional abuse. The Domineering (DP) personality is suffering from emotional insecurity and uses this tactic as a form of defense. These (DP) personalities main objective is to erode and undermine your self confidence and self esteem so they will look and feel better about themselves. These personalities are temporally pacified by your compliance to their demands.  Any show of independence and strength on your part only increases the domineering  behavior by these personalities. (DP) with extreme jealousy, heavy pressure and with physical abilities, violence will occur sooner than later.  

Vindictive/Revengeful Felons Claw

These are two very dangerous traits and the behavior patterns associated with these traits. These traits are very visible in a sample of handwriting in both the body of a written document and in the writer's signature. In forensic threat assessment profiling where ever you see this cycle letter formation, you need to be very cautious in your interactions with these personality types. You must also understand their emotional makeup and most importantly their intensity level. The more intense the personality the more dangerous he/she can and will be. This trait is also called the Felon's Claw.

What does someone who is vindictive/revengeful mean? Personalities who exhibit this behavior pattern cannot tolerate argument, opposition, or infringement on their territory, personal life, finances, or relationships and are most violent and vindictive in their crushing and destroying response. Their goal is to eliminate the cause by whatever means. The problem is you do not know what will set these personality types off.

When the Felons Claw is detected I pay close attention to the writers pressure/intensity level. The more intense the personality the more physically dangerous the personality can be. 

When the felons claw is detected in lighter pressure/intensity with a stable clean writing style, the personality is still vindictive and revengeful but they are more apt to get back at the target of their anger by other means that are less violent.

They will express their vengeance in a more covert intellectual way. Such as sending porn magazines to your office addressed to their targets name etc. Anything that will cause their target mental anguish. The more they see their target suffering the happier these people become. That is the key here to make you suffer. They will continue with their vengeance for long periods of time. They will continue for a few weeks or months stop, than start up all over again. These personalities will continue with this behavior until their vengeance has been satisfied. In one case I worked on, the mental/emotional abuse directed at the target lasted for years.  

Deep Need for Attention

Human beings are social creatures and need social interaction, feedback, and validation of their worth. The emotionally mature person doesn't need to go hunting for these; they gain it naturally from their daily life, especially from their work and from stable relationships. Daniel Goldman calls emotional maturity emotional intelligence, or (EQ;) he believes that EQ is a much better indicator of a person's character and value than intelligence quotient, or IQ.

The emotionally immature person, however, has low levels of self-esteem and self-confidence and consequently feels insecure; to counter these feelings of insecurity they will spend a large proportion of their lives creating situations in which they become the center of attention. It may be that the need for attention is inversely proportional to emotional maturity, therefore anyone indulging in attention-seeking behaviors is telling you how emotionally immature they are. Personalities can acquire attention in both covert and overt ways. The attention seeking behavior is on a bell curve from mild to extreme. The difference in behavior is based on their emotional make, intensity level and underlying traits identified and evaluated in their profile. There are traits that will reinforce the trait of deep need for attention and traits that reduce this trait. No two personalities will act the same way. The trait of deep need for attention is found in both men and women.

Attention-seeking behavior is surprisingly common. The deep need for attention alleviates feelings of insecurity and inadequacy but the relief is temporary as the underlying problem remains unaddressed: low self-confidence and low self-esteem, and consequent low levels of self-worth and self-love.

Deep need for attention becomes a dysfunction as it does with (DP) when that deep need for attention becomes a tactic used to control, manipulate and dominate people. When deep need for attention is detected, analyzed, identified and evaluated in a sample of handwriting; it is found in the ending stroke of any letter formation that swings upward past the halfway point of the mundane letters. This tactic is used by the histrionic, narcissist and by the borderline and borderline / narcissist. It is a tactic used both by males and females. When handwriting was not available it is the behavior patterns, I pay close attention to that will tell me we have issues with this personality. In its extreme form it is a very dangerous trait that can have serious consequences to the people in their personal and professional lives. People can be accused of crimes they never committed.

These personalities rate high in the following traits they are and not limited to the following:

Jealousy/insecurity they and are extremely sensitive to any form of rejection, ridicule, criticism, real or imagined. Have overactive imaginations, self and willful deceit, domineering, moody, ego / vanity, low confidence / goals. They are your Drama Kings and Drama Queens. Their behavior patterns are on a bell curve from being emotionally draining, demanding to criminal behavior.

Histrionics are more coquettish a definition of coquettish is; a man or woman who makes teasing sexual or romantic overtures: a flirt.

Narcissists deep need for attention is used to secure narcissists supply by cerebral or somatic means.

Borderlines use deep need for attention for reassurance of your love and devotion towards them during the seduction phase of their seduction, love, hate cycles.

Attention seekers commonly exploit the suffering of others to gain attention for themselves. Or they may exploit their own suffering, or alleged suffering. In extreme forms, such as in Munchausen's or Munchausen's Syndrome by Proxy, the attention-seeker will deliberately cause suffering to others as a means of gaining attention.

The sufferer: this might include feigning or exaggerating illness, playing on an injury, or perhaps causing or inviting injury, in extreme cases going as far as losing a limb. Severe cases may meet the diagnostic criteria for Munchausen Syndrome (also know as Factitious Disorder). The illness or injury becomes a vehicle for gaining sympathy and thus attention. The attention-seeker excels in manipulating people through their emotions, especially that of guilt. It's very difficult not to feel sorry for someone who relates a plausible tale of suffering in a sob story or poor me drama.

The savior: in attention-seeking personality disorders like Munchausen Syndrome By Proxy (MSBP), also known as (Factitious Disorder By Proxy) the person, usually female, creates opportunities to be center of attention by intentionally causing harm to others and then being their savior, by saving their life, and by being such a caring, compassionate person. Few people realize the injury was deliberate. The MSBP mother or nurse may kill several babies before suspicions are aroused. When not in savior mode, the savior may be resentful, perhaps even contemptuous, of the person or persons she is saving.

The rescuer: particularly common in family situations, she's the one who will dash in and rescue people whenever the moment is opportune - to her, that is. She then gains gratification from basking in the glory of her humanitarian actions. She will prey on any person suffering misfortune, infirmity, illness, injury, or anyone who has vulnerability. The act of rescue and thus the opportunities for gaining attention can be enhanced if others are excluded from the act of rescue; this helps create a dependency relationship between the rescuer and rescued which can be exploited for further acts of rescue (and attention) later. When not in rescue mode, the rescuer may be resentful, perhaps even contemptuous, of the person she is rescuing.

The organizer: she may present herself as the one in charge, the one organizing everything, the one who is reliable and dependable, and the one people can always turn to. However, the objective is not to help people (this is only a means to an end) but to always be the center of attention.

The manipulator: she may exploit family relationships, manipulating others with guilt and distorting perceptions; although she may not harm people physically, she causes everyone to suffer emotional injury. Vulnerable family members are favorite targets. A common attention-seeking ploy is to claim she is being persecuted, victimized, excluded, isolated or ignored by another family member or group, perhaps insisting she is the target of a campaign of exclusion or harassment.

The mind-poisoner: adept at poisoning peoples' minds by manipulating their perceptions of others, especially against the current target.

The drama king/queen: every incident or opportunity, no matter how insignificant, is exploited, exaggerated and if necessary distorted to become an event of dramatic proportions. Everything is elevated to crisis proportions. Histrionics may be present where the person feels she is not the center of attention but should be. Inappropriate flirtatious behavior may also be present.

The busy bee: this individual is the busiest person in the world if her constant retelling of her life is to be believed. Everyday events which are regarded as normal by normal people take on epic proportions as everyone is invited to simultaneously admire and commiserate with this oh-so-busy person who never has a moment to herself, never has time to sit down, etc. She's never too busy, though, to tell you how busy she is.

The feigner: when called to account and outwitted, the person instinctively uses the denial - counterattack - feigning victim hood strategy to manipulate everyone present, especially bystanders and those in authority. The most effective method of feigning victim hood is to burst into tears, for most people's instinct is to feel sorry for them, to put their arm round them or offer them a tissue. There's little more plausible than real tears, although as actresses know, it's possible to turn these on at will. Feigners are adept at using crocodile tears. From years of practice, attention-seekers often give an Oscar-winning performance in this respect. Feigning victim hood is a favorite tactic of bullies and harassers to evade accountability and sanction. When accused of bullying and harassment, the person immediately turns on the water works and claims they are the one being bullied or harassed - even though there's been no prior mention of being bullied or harassed. It's the fact that this claim appears only after and in response to having been called to account that is revealing. Mature adults do not burst into tears when held accountable for their actions.

The false confessor: this person confesses to crimes they haven't committed in order to gain attention from the police and the media. In some cases, people have confessed to being serial killers, even though they cannot provide any substantive evidence of their crimes. Often, they will confess to crimes which have just been reported in the media. Some individuals are known to the police as serial confessors. The false confessor is different from a person who makes a false confession and admits to a crime of which they are accused because of emotional pressure and inappropriate interrogation tactics.

The abused: a person claims they are the victim of abuse, sexual abuse, rape etc. as a way of gaining attention for themselves. Crimes like abuse and rape are difficult to prove at the best of times and their incidence is so common that it is easy to make a plausible claim as a way of gaining attention.

The online victim: this person uses Internet chat rooms and forums to allege that they've been the victim of rape, violence, harassment, abuse etc. The alleged crime is never reported to the authorities, for obvious reasons. The facelessness and anonymity of the Internet suits this type of attention seeker.

The victim: she may intentionally create acts of harassment against herself, egg send herself hate mail or damage her own possessions in an attempt to incriminate a fellow employee, a family member, neighbor, etc. Scheming, cunning, devious, deceptive and manipulative, she will identify her harasser and produce circumstantial evidence in support of her claim. She will revel in the attention she gains and use her glib charm to plausibly dismiss any suggestion that she herself may be responsible. However, a background check may reveal that this is not the first time she has had this happen to her.

I have added these following behavior patterns to the above list; they fall under the umbrella of a (DP) deep need for attention. They are and not limited to:

Superhero: someone who will cause a serious situation such as start a fire and be the one who runs in and rescues everyone.

Hybristophilia: is a paraphilia of the predatory type in which sexual arousal, facilitation, and attainment of orgasm are responsive to and contingent upon being with a partner known to have committed an outrage, or crime, such as rape, murder, or armed robbery." The term is derived from the Greek word hubrizein, meaning (to commit an outrage against someone) In popular culture, this phenomenon is also known as (Bonnie and Clyde Syndrome).

Commitment phobic personalities who know they will never have a real relationship with the criminal they have fallen in love with.

Some believe they can change a man as cruel and powerful as a serial killer.

Others see the little boy that the killer once was and seek to nurture him.

Then there's the notion of the perfect boyfriend. She knows where he is at all times and she knows he's thinking about her. While she can claim that someone loves her, she does not have to endure the day-to-day issues involved in most relationships. There's no laundry to do, no cooking for him, and no accountability to him. She can keep the fantasy charged up for a long period of time.

Hovering 

I have explained what Hoover tactic is below.  I have used my own term called hovering. Many times my clients get confused with these terms.
What is Hovering to me, I see this tactic being used all the time by the so called self assured. I came up with this label and started using the term hovering because it was slightly different in it's behavior patterns than the hoover tactic explained below.

Hovering is a more subtle, it is a covert way of staying in your head. The dysfunctional partner who discarded you and hurt you does not want you to forget him/her. So they hang around like an irritating little fly at a barbeque. They make little comments on Facebook or on their social media page, making vague references about something that only has some meaning to the both of you. Example: You loved walking together, he/she posts about how happy they are taking long walks at night. You loved going to concerts together, he/she posts a comment about the group you like. The so called butt dial by mistake, the e-mail sent to you that has nothing written on it, so you will e-mail them back asking why, of course that was sent by mistake as well. I could go on and on.

They do this to tug on your emotional heart strings. They want you to miss them, so they use every tactic they can come up with to stay in your head. They want you to do the dirty work. They do not want to admit that they miss you and want you back. He/she is hoping that you will break down and beg to be taken back, they want you to do the dirty work so their ego is protected. They go, but never go anywhere. They hang around. They discarded you remember? You walk away because you have respect for yourself now they have triggered their own abandonment fears.

The hovering tactic can have many different faces and ploys. The last thing these insecure personalities want is for you to walk away and stay away.

Hoover

What is the hoover, this is a very misunderstood and confusing tactic used by the dysfunctional personality. The borderline, borderline/narcissist and narcissist personality type. The histrionic will also use some of these tactics but to a lesser degree. The narcissist personality type will go through idolization, devaluation, discard phase. The borderline goes through the seduction, love, hate phase. I added my own phase to this list called the engulfment phase, based on my own experience working with them and there partners.

A Hoover tactic is named after the Hoover Vacuum because these dysfunctional personalities attempt to suck you back into the relationship again once they have discarded you. They use the same tactics but for different reasons. They start calling you, texting you, keep in contact with you, find every reason in the book to keep engaging you. They watch your reaction to this tactic. Your reaction tells them if they are in red, yellow or green or can they pull you back in to the relationship again.

The narcissist type will engage you and tell you how dysfunctional you are, they can be outright mean and nasty. They want you to feel insecure about yourself, they want you to beg to come back to them. They need you more than you need them, by gas lighting you with verbal abuse, you start to believe everything was your fault.  Remember this personality treated you like dirt during the relationship. He/she could not wait for you to walk away from them. As soon as you do they start hoover again, why? For the narcissist they have lost their source of narcissistic supply. They attempt to suck you back in again. A narcissist will always return to an ex-lover to ensure that his/her source of narcissistic supply still pines for him/her and that you never move on from the pain they have caused you. Also this feeds their ego, how omnipotent he/she feels. They treated you like dirt and you come running back for more abuse. Because the narcissist is so special. When you return to your abuser this is high grade narcissistic supply.

The borderline will hoover for different reasons but will also use the same tactics. They have split you, from all good to all bad. They leave you because of their engulfment fears (their strong emotions for you) these emotions terrify them. It triggers their abandonment fears, that you will leave them. These personalities will cut of their finger off to save their arm. They only had a small cut on their finger and only needed a Band-Aid, because of their strong emotions and their inability to regulate them they overreact.  They will leave you before you leave them. In their minds it is better I suffer a little by running from you now, than die a slow death when you abandon me. Now they have trigger their own abandonment fears. These personalities live for the seduction phase. This phase makes them feel alive, the chase to recapture you. 

So what are some of their hoover tactics.

Lets start with what I call the Mr/Mrs McNasty tactic. Texting, calling, e-mailing you non stop telling you how happy they are you are gone, how happy their life is now without you, how you are a nut case, you are a troubled person, you need help, etc. Of course your abuser never did anything wrong. Everything with these dysfunctional personalities is always "your" fault.

Ok, your happy I am no longer in your life, why keep engaging me. The horse is dead why keep beating it. I tell you why, you gave them what they didn't want. You walked away. When this tactic does not work they change up to the: 

Mr/Mrs McNice tactic. Texting, calling, e-mailing you non stop asking you "are you ok, how are you doing, how are you feeling, I am checking up on you to make sure you are doing ok." This phase always makes me laugh. Your abuser who was so happy you are gone, who treated you like an object, like dirt is now concerned for your feelings. No, your abuser is concerned you are moving on. You have shown him/her you have self respect for yourself. That is the last thing your abuser wants to see.

Lets move on to what I call the mindless dribble tactic. Texting, calling, e-mailing you non stop asking you "Hi did I leave my toothbrush at your house, you left your pink panties at my house, you want them back? I think we had an earthquake last night did you feel it? " I think it is raining out today, did I get any mail?" On and on about nothing. Why? To stay in your head. The last thing your abuser wants is for you to move on. 

When that does not work we move into the sexual seduction tactic. Texting, calling, e-mailing you non stop with an attempt to reel you back in with sex. Photos, talk about how horny they are, wishing you were here right now, I miss your body, I need your body. Everything and anything of a sexual nature. You go back thinking this is love, you are a fool.

Ok now we move on to what I call the disaster phase tactic.  Texting, calling, e-mailing you about "I just got into a car accident, someone stole my dog, I am having dizzy spells, my good friend was kidnapped by aliens, I can't eat anything, I have a fever, I slipped on a banana peel in the driveway and I think I broke my wrist," everything and anything to make "you" feel guilty and run back to them. Of course your abuser will tell that is not what they want, I will take care of myself, please don't worry about me. You run back and guess what the next day there was a Miraculous Cure. He/she is all better.

The jealous tactic. These are very insecure personalities so they will attempt to use on you, what works on them. They will post all over Facebook or their social media page, how happy they are, how wonderful they are doing with their new love interest, their life is so wonderful. Really? If this were true why are they talking about it so much. Why do they want to rub it in your face? When I see people talking about how happy they are every five minutes I know they are not. When I hear this term "it's all good, everything is good" I know it is not all good. When your abuser uses this tactic, ignore it. They are looking for a reaction from you. Do and say nothing, this will drive them insane.      

Now we move on to the ace card tactic. Texting, calling, e-mailing you stating how they miss you, they need you, I am sorry, please come back, I can't live without you. Now if you are a co-dependent type this is music to your ears. You go running back, things will be ok for a week or two then the cycle of abuse will start all over again, like it has the last four or five times you went through this drama filled unstable relationship. If you believe things will be different this time you are only fooling yourself. They need you to validate their self worth. As a co-dependent type you need your abuser to validate your sense of self worth. Two co-dependents together, a recipe for disaster.

So why do these dysfunctional personalities hoover? I will tell you their secrete, "they need you, more than you need them." They are terrified of the possibility that you will move on. So they hoover to stay in your head. The last thing they want is for you to expose them and see them for what they really are. They know once you do they are finished. So these personalities keep changing tactics every other day, moving from one to another keeping you off balance emotionally and staying in your head.   

Projection

Projection is a theory in psychology in which humans defend themselves against their own unconscious impulses or qualities (both positive and negative) by denying their existence in themselves while attributing them to others. For example, a person who is habitually intolerant may constantly accuse other people of being intolerant. It incorporates blame shifting.

A person who is accusing you of cheating, being jealous, insecure, and a whole host of other dysfunctional behavior patterns is feeling or doing exactly what he/she is accusing you of doing. This tactic works to keep you off balance and from exposing the dysfunctional personality for their bad behavior towards you. While you are defending yourself against these unfounded accusations you are not paying to their bad behavior. When a person attacks or accuses you of something you are not doing it says more about them and what they are thinking or doing than it says about you.

Projective Identification

Is used to trigger you into acting in the exact way they are accusing you of. Example: The dysfunctional personality states; "you are a very jealous, insecure person." So he/she flirts and shows attention to someone else in your presents in a very covert manner, just enough for you to see what they are doing. You question them on their behavior, he/she turns around and states "see I told you, you are a jealous insecure person." They use this tactic to validate their projection on to you by triggering you to act in the exact same way they are accusing you of being, insecure, jealous, temper prone, etc.  The dysfunctional personality is very good at sticking an emotional pin in your rear end. No one ever sees them sticking you with Projective Identification is similar to projection but with a twist. The dysfunctional personality acts the pin, they just see you responding to the emotional pin prick.  

Ambient Abuse

Gas Lighting

Ambient Abuse is called gas lighting is a stealthy covert way of emotional abuse and maltreatment. Ambient Abuse is the most dangerous type of abuse. It is very covert and often goes unnoticed by the victim themselves. It is a fostering of fear and uncertainty. There are no outwardly visible acts or signs of abuse. Gas lighting is used to erode the victim's sense of self worth and self esteem. Many times when gas lighting is used, the victim is seen as the abuser with emotional instability issues. The Abuser is seen as the poor suffering soul and victim.   

 The practice of brainwashing or convincing a mentally healthy individual that they are going insane or that their understanding of reality is mistaken or false. The term gas lighting is based on the 1944 MGM movie Gas light.

In the classic suspense thriller, Gas light, Paula (Ingrid Bergman) marries the villainous Gregory Anton (Charles Boyer), not realizing that he is the one who murdered her aunt and is now searching for her missing jewels.

To cover up his treachery, he tries to persuade Paula that she is going mad, so he can search the attic for the jewels without her interference. He plants missing objects on her person in order to make her believe that she has no recollection of reality. He tries to isolate her, not allowing her to have visitors or to leave the house.

If this sounds somehow familiar, you have probably encountered a form of psychological abuse we call Gas lighting. Essentially, it describes forms of manipulation which are designed to make the victim lose their grip on the truth or doubt their perception of reality. 

There are five categories of Ambient Abuse or Gas lighting.  Postulated by; Dr.Sam Vaknin

1) Inducing Disorientation

2) Shared Psychosis 

3) Misuse of Information

4) To Incapacitate 

5) Control by Proxy

       A family member who steals something from you tries to convince you that it belongs to them. 

       A person acts threateningly and then accuses you of abuse when you react in self-defense. 

       A spouse tries to persuade you that you said or did something that you know is inaccurate.

How it Feels

Gas lighting can be a terrifying experience. It can quickly put you on the defensive - trying to justify your own actions or behaviors - when you started out by challenging someone else's questionable behavior.

A gas lighting perpetrator's fabrications may be presented so convincingly and with such conviction you begin to question yourself and your own memories and judgment. You may begin to fear that other people - who don't know the truth - might be persuaded believe some of the distortions.

 Covert emotional manipulation tactics are underhanded methods of control. Emotional manipulation methodically wears down your sense of self-worth, self-confidence, self-concept and trust in your own perceptions. At its worse, you can lose all sense of self and your personal values.

These are some of the manipulation tactics used by (DP) borderlines, borderlines/narcissists, narcissists and psychopaths. Always remember that with every tactic that they may use it is on a bell curve, some more severe than others, some used and some not used. Not all personalities act the same, at their core the reasons for this behavior is the same to control, dominate and to manipulate others for their own personal gain. 

Positive Reinforcement: Praise, flattery, adoration, attention, affection, gifts, superficial sympathy (crocodile tears), superficial charm, recognition, appreciation, intense sex, and declarations of once-in-a-lifetime love. When all of these are present continually at the beginning of the relationship with no negative behavior in sight, it's called "love-bombing," and it's designed to hook us deeply and to bond us tightly to our abuser. 

 Intermittent positive reinforcement: This is a very effective manipulation tactic, one abusers use to great effect. Intermittent positive reinforcement occurs when your relationship goes from nonstop positive reinforcement to only getting attention, appreciation, praise, adoration, declarations of love, etc. once in a while, on a random basis. This will create a climate of doubt, fear and anxiety. You'll know he's withdrawing and you'll fear you're losing him, but he'll deny it. This replays over and over until you're riding and emotional roller coaster and are a psychological basket case. He is doing this on purpose to increase his power and control over you and to make you even more desperate for his love. You have become the proverbial lab rat frantically pushing the lever for a randomly dispensed treat. The rat thinks of nothing else, and neither will you. The bond can become even stronger during this phase, believe it or not. It's a well-known psychological phenomenon known as traumatic bonding. 

Negative reinforcement: The manipulator stops performing a negative behavior (such as giving you the silent treatment) when you comply with him. 

Not allowing negative emotion: The victim is typically chastised for emotional behavior. The focus is put on the emotional upset itself, not the cause behind it (which conveniently takes the focus off of him). He refuses to hear what it is she wants to talk about. The only subject is her emotion, which is unacceptable; in fact, it's an issue she needs to work on, and one he finds unattractive. The silent treatment usually follows, which increases her frustration at not being able to express her thoughts and feelings. 

 Indirect aggressive abuse: Name-calling is direct and obvious. A manipulative way to make it much less obvious is to drop the angry tone of voice that usually accompanies it, and disguise it as teaching, helping, giving advice, or offering solutions. It appears to be a sincere attempt to help, but it's actually an attempt to belittle, control and demean you, and you will sense this. 

 Manipulators: share intimate information about themselves, their lives and families early on to create a false sense of intimacy. You'll automatically feel obliged or free to respond, and afterward you'll trust him more and feel closer to him. Later, you'll find out most of what he disclosed wasn't true, and that he'll use everything you told him about yourself to manipulate you or hurt you. 

  Triangulation: This is a common and effective tactic of a psychopath's covert emotional manipulation. The manipulator introduces other women into the relationship in any way he can - by talking about a woman at work, talking about his ex girlfriends, flirting with other women in front of you - to knock you off balance and make you jealous. In a normal relationship, a man will go out of his way to prove he's trustworthy. The manipulator does just the opposite, and he enjoys watching your pain and angst. He is usually grooming his next target, and he conveniently uses her to manipulate you devalue you. 

Blaming the victim: This tactic is a powerful means of putting the victim on the defense while simultaneously masking the aggressive intent of the abuser. This usually happens when she questions him about something he wants to hide (such as his involvement with another woman). The victim finds herself put in the defensive mode, and she can't win. He tells her that her concerns are rooted in her problem with "insecurity" and have nothing to do with his behavior or with reality, and that he finds her insecurity very unattractive. Since this is very unpleasant she learns not to question him, and silently puts up with his bad behavior in the future.

The manipulator: will make carefully chosen insinuating comments to evoke an uncomfortable emotional response or even several responses at once. He knows your weaknesses and your hot-buttons, and he will enjoy dropping a bomb like this and watching the fallout. If someone says something that has multiple negative meanings and causes negative emotions while leaving you flummoxed and without a meaningful response, you've experienced it. 

 Denying/ Invalidating reality: Invalidating distorts or undermines the victim's perceptions of their world. Invalidating occurs when the abuser refuses or will not acknowledge reality. For example, if the victim confronts the abuser about an incident of name calling, the abuser may insist, "I never said that," "I don't know what you're talking about." 

Minimizing: The manipulator will tell you you're making a big deal out of nothing or that you're exaggerating when you confront him with something he's done. 

Withholding: Includes refusing to communicate, refusing to listen, and using emotionally withdrawal as punishment. This is commonly called the "silent treatment."

Lies of omission: A more subtle form of lying where a truth is left out if it's not convenient. 

Gas lighting: An especially frustrating manipulation tactic where you know you heard him say something or saw him do something but when you confront him, he simply denies it. It seems obvious enough but if it's repeated often; victims can begin to question their "version" of reality. 

Projecting the Blame: Nothing is ever a psychopath's fault, and he will always find some crafty way to find a scapegoat. 

Diversion and Evasion: When you ask the psychopath a question, instead of answering it he may use diversion (steering the conversation to another topic) or evasion (giving an irrelevant, vague and rambling response). 

Selective forgetting: The manipulator pretends he forgot something important he once said. If you feel the need to use a tape recorder when speaking with someone, covert emotional manipulation is at play.  Refusing to take responsibility for his/her behavior, for the relationship or for your reactions to it. 

Attempts to turn the tables and make you look like the abuser: These skilled manipulators have an arsenal of tactics at their disposal, and they will be pushing as many buttons as possible to get you to lose control. They can inflict so much psychological warfare and make you suppress so much emotion that you can be backed into an emotional corner. When this happens, the intense frustration you feel but can't express through normal communication will cause you to react in self-defense. Emotional reactions in self-defense to an abusive situation do not make you an abuser. 

Diminishing and belittling your opinions and ideas non verbally: by using eye-rolls, scoffs, half-smiles, etc. There are plenty of variations.

Push / Pull Cycle

The push / pull cycle is very confusing to people who are in relationships with insecure dysfunctional personalities. The confusion in these relationships many times is the personality projects good confidence and a healthy measure of self esteem during the honeymoon / seduction phase of the relationship. As the relationship matures there is a shift in the personality's behavior patterns. When intense intimacy and a loving bond starts to take place their (DP) partner starts to change and sabotage the relationship. Push/ pull is a chronic pattern of sabotaging and re-establishing closeness in the relationship without a cause or reason. It is a back and forth feeling of the partner wanting to be close to someone, becoming more intimate and vulnerable. Then they become very afraid of that vulnerability, they need to escape for fear of being hurt, fearing the possible loss and acting on that fear real or imagined. They push you away, become distant, cold, moody, pick and become angry over what seem to be small issues. Then they change up and pull you in close again because of their fear of abandonment. The partner will change and desperately try to get that person emotionally back again.
The issue is two fold, these personalities want to be intimately close to someone and fear being hurt and abandoned by their partner at the same time.

The closer these personalities become to their partner the more vulnerable they become to the possibility that now you are in a position to hurt them.

They feel you are in a position of emotional power over them. These personalities try to keep you at a safe emotional distance from them; this is their safety zone an emotional buffer. These personalities want to be close and be loved but also want to be safe as well. The closer they become the more they feel you can and will hurt them. So when they become to emotionally close they start to push you away. A form of emotional self protection.

The real issue when this happens is not that they hate you or all of a sudden and do not want you anymore; it is really the opposite of what they are projecting and feeling emotionally inside. They want true love but do not trust it and believe it does not exist because of their early childhood traumas and abandonment issues. Many times when they feel emotionally close they will start testing you, they need to be reassured that you are not going to hurt or abandon them.  They will say the most hurtful things to you, pick fights over small issues, the longer you stay and try to work these issues out, the more this testing continues. Their test is a simple one, the more you tolerate their erratic abusive behavior and stay in the relationship the more they believe you love them and are not going to deceive, hurt or abandon them.  This testing behavior and your willingness to stay and try to fix the issues will pacify their abandonment fears, but only temporarily.

 The more emotionally close they become, the more emotionally invested they are the more frightening the possibility of the relationship ending. Becoming emotionally close to you triggers their abandonment fears they push you away. When you start to distance yourself become angry or frustrated with their behavior this triggers their abandonment fears again and they pull you back in. This push/pull behavior ends up full filling their own prophecy that they will be abandoned and hurt, the very same emotional pain they were so desperately trying to avoid.  

Passive Aggressive Behavior

 Passive Aggressive Behavior is measured on a bell curve. As with any gas lighting tactic used by the dysfunctional personalities as I call them, or the borderline/narcissist defined by the medical community. No two dysfunctional  personalities think, feel or respond in the same way.  Passive aggressive personality behavior is also listed in DSM 4TR as a personality disorder. This article is not meant to diagnose the disorder. It is meant to help you detect and understand these behavior patterns when you experience ambient abuse in both your personal and professional relationships.   

Passive aggressive behavior is a form of covert abuse.  When someone hits you or yells at you, you know that you've been abused. It is obvious and easily identified. Covert abuse is subtle and veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be normal, at times loving and caring. The passive aggressive person is a master at covert abuse.

Passive aggressive behavior stems from an inability to express anger in a healthy way. A person's feelings may be so repressed that they don't even realize they are angry or feeling resentment. A passive aggressive can drive people around him/her crazy and seem sincerely dismayed when confronted with their behavior. Due to their own lack of insight into their feelings the passive aggressive often feels that others misunderstand them or, are holding them to unreasonable standards if they are confronted about their behavior.

Common Passive Aggressive Behaviors:

• Ambiguity: I think of the proverb, "actions speak louder than words" when it comes to the passive aggressive and how ambiguous they can be. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act. Normally they don't act until after they've caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating. 

• Forgetfulness: The passive aggressive avoids responsibility by "forgetting." How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting that lunch date or your birthday or, better yet, an anniversary. 

• Blaming: They are never responsible for their actions. If you aren't to blame then it is something that happened at work, the traffic on the way home or the slow clerk at the convenience store. The passive aggressive has no faults, it is everyone around him/her who has faults and they must be punished for those faults. 

• Lack of Anger: He/she may never express anger. There are some who are happy with whatever you want. On the outside anyway! The passive aggressive may have been taught, as a child, that anger is unacceptable. Hence they go through life stuffing their anger, being accommodating and then sticking it to you in an under-handed way. 

• Fear of Dependency: From Scott Wetlzer, author of Living with the Passive Aggressive Man. "Unsure of his autonomy and afraid of being alone, he fights his dependency needs, usually by trying to control you. He wants you to think he doesn't depend on you, but he binds himself closer than he cares to admit. Relationships can become battle grounds, where he can only claim victory if he denies his need for your support." 

• Fear of Intimacy: The passive aggressive often can't trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. A passive aggressive will have sex with you but they rarely make love to you. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by withholding sex. 

• Obstructionism: Do you want something from your passive aggressive spouse? If so, get ready to wait for it or maybe even never get it. It is important to him/her that you don't get your way. He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them but, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel. 

• Victimization: The passive aggressive feels they are treated unfairly. If you get upset because he or she is constantly late, they take offense because; in their mind, it was someone else's fault that they were late. He/she is always the innocent victim of your unreasonable expectations, an over-bearing boss or that slow clerk at the convenience store. 

• Procrastination: The passive aggressive person believes that deadlines are for everyone but them. They do things on their own time schedule and be damned anyone who expects differently from them.

The Passive Aggressive and You:

The passive aggressive needs to have a relationship with someone who can be the object of his or her hostility. They need someone whose expectations and demands he/she can resist. A passive aggressive is usually attracted to co-dependents, people with low self-esteem and those who find it easy to make excuses for other's bad behaviors.

The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive is that they never follow through on agreements and promises. He/she will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while at the same time making it look as if he/she is pulling his/her own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, you can be made to believe that you are loved and adored by a person who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone.

The passive aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical.

Out of the Fog

Emotional Blackmail by;  Susan Forward Ph.D. 

Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people close to us threaten to punish us for not doing what they want. Emotional blackmailers know how much we value our relationships with them. They know our vulnerabilities and our deepest secrets. They can be our parents or partners, bosses or coworkers, friends or lovers. No matter how much they care about us, they use this intimate knowledge to win our compliance. 

Emotional blackmail is a powerful form of manipulation in which people who are close to us threaten, either directly or indirectly, to punish us to get what they want. Knowing that we want love or approval, blackmailers threaten to withhold it or take it away altogether, or make us feel we must earn it. If you believe the blackmailer, you could fall into a pattern of letting him/her control your decisions and behavior.

Silent Treatment  

Have you ever wondered why someone you had a relationship with or in a relationship now just stops talking to you. Why do they play this emotional manipulation tactic? It is painful, it is troubling and many times than not, you start second guessing yourself.  A very effective game played the dysfunctional personality. 

All of a sudden they won't talk to you, answer your texts, e-mails or your phone calls. If you are living with them he/she will just sit there and make believe you do not exist. They just won't. You feel alienated, cast aside and abandoned. And it doesn't seem like they care at all. Or worse, they seem to how this is affecting you.

This is a scenario that far too many people experience. This emotional abuse called the silent treatment game really hurts and is very confusing.

Victims of emotional abuse silent treatment are male and female, young and old. The perpetrator could be a romantic partner, friend, parent, or child. It could be done in person, online, or in email. Silent treatment has no boundaries and the people who use it as a tactic during conflict know what they are doing.  

No, you say, they can't possibly know how deeply their actions are affecting me. While it is normal for victims to make excuses, don't fool yourself into believing that they are oblivious to the impact of their actions. Control is at the base of using the silent treatment as a weapon in a relationship. The people who choose to do it want to control the situation and, by extension, you. Your reaction shows them if it's working. People often make the mistake of thinking that the silent treatment is the same as the cooling off period often used as a way to calm down during a difficult exchange. In this process, the two decide to take a break from the discussion and set a time to regroup. The conversation then resumes. With the silent treatment, there is no mutual agreement on when the subject will be revisited. Only one person controls that, and they don't share their plans with the other person. The cooling off period is a rational method used to diffuse conflict whereas the silent treatment is an exercise in dominance.

We've determined that the silent treatment is intentional, but is it malicious? Does the perpetrator actively want to hurt you? These are relative terms. What should be understood is that the silent treatment, or the cold shoulder, is a form of abuse. Many people don't think of it that way, likening abuse to physical acts exclusively. Emotional abuse silent treatment affects a person differently than physical abuse does, however the mental result for the victims are similar. Feelings of low self-worth, anxiety, and low self-esteem abound in victims of the silent treatment, just like they do in other forms of emotional and physical abuse. Don't discount the emotions you feel or the predicament you are in. They are valid. You are valid. 

No matter how mild-mannered the perpetrator or how cleverly the withdrawal of attention is executed, the silent treatment hurts. It is manipulation. Some of the perpetrators do it because they are afraid of the conflict that would ensue if they told the victim what was bothering them. Others do it because they want to make the victim do something. Some remain quiet, replying that nothing is wrong when asked, even though it is evident that something is different. Others become sarcastic and make snide comments, starting arguments about things that are nonsensical, without divulging the nature of the real problem. There are many ways that the silent treatment can begin, but the ways to live with and, more importantly, survive it are the same. 

"Don't give them the satisfaction." They want to put the victim on edge. Either subconsciously or consciously, they want to see how they will be placated. Continually asking them what the problem is and beseeching them to speak does nothing more than feed their reserve. This could lead to prolonged or more frequent incidents of the silent treatment. 

"Take control back." Turn the tables on things and take control back from the perpetrator. The way to do this is to show them that what they are doing doesn't affect you. Go to dinner or a movie with friends, read a book; do something you like to do without regard to the other person. If the silent treatment is being done in email or online, ignore them. Remove them from your friends list or don't respond to posts. Show them that the sun doesn't rise and set with them. This won't be easy, but you can do it. You will change the dynamic with this behavior; putting them on edge and making them wonder why their antics aren't working. They will chase you instead of the other way around. In that way, the end result that you wanted in the first place - the renewal of their attention and affection - will be achieved.

"Know what you want."  See what is going on in this situation and try to project your future with this individual. If this person continues to play a large part in your life, will your future be riddled with pockets of emotional abuse silent treatment? Determine your own path; don't allow someone else to decide for you.

Living with and surviving the silent treatment can be done. It takes focus and resilience, but you can get there. 

Repetition Complex 

My clients ask me "Tony why am I attracted to the same type of personality over and over again?"  This is a very complex question.  It is the behavior patterns that your early childhood care givers exhibited (how they treated you) that you are making the emotional connection with in your adult life today with another DP that you have become attracted to. It did not matter who it was per say, your mother, father, grandmother, etc. It was their intermittent or abusive behavior patterns in your early childhood years that you were ill equipped to deal with or understand that set the blueprint for your behavior patterns today in adult life. It is what is called a repetition complex.  Many times my clients ask me why I always fall for the same type of male or female who treats me badly. The reason is that you are responding to the same behavior patterns you remember as a child. It is not the adult in you that is responding or attracted to these emotional vampires, it is the child in you that is responding.  Remember the sub conscious mind has no conception of time, it does not reason, it does not rationalize.  

 As a child you did not have the emotional experience/knowledge to understand why you were being abused or mistreated. All you could understand at that young age is that their must be something wrong with me, I am bad, I am unlovable.  Why are you beating me, hurting me?  It must be because I am bad and worthless.  So what does the child do at that young age to get the love and security that the child so desperately wants and needs?   The only thing the child can do, chase and continue to try and prove to their caregivers that I am good, I am lovable, I am sorry, I will not do this again, please love me!  The real problem is the poor child never knew what the hell they did in the first place to be at the receiving end of all this mistreatment. The child did not have the emotional intelligence/experience or understanding to realize that it was their primary caregivers that were the problem.  

 So the tape was made (your emotional behavior pattern). The blueprint was set. You meet someone in your adult life, their intermittent and abusive behavior patterns is what attracts you. Not you the rational adult, you the child. So what does the adult/child do? The only thing they can do, the only thing they have ever known.  The exact same things you did as a child, chase, chase, try to prove that you are a lovable person so you will not abandoned again. In your mind, if I can have this new person (who represents the same behavior patterns as your primary care givers) love and accept me, all past sins will be forgiven, a repetition complex is developed. This is never the case, "you can learn from history but you cannot rewrite history." It is time to erase the old tape it does not work anymore. 

 Think about this my friends, if you were not abused as a child and had a somewhat normal life where you were loved and accepted for the wonderful child you were and are. Had the coping skills, where your self esteem was not shattered and beaten down. Where you learned to love, trust and be loved and trusted. Would you as an adult be with people who would abuse and mistreat you, emotionally, physically or sexually. I think not. To change old behavior patterns (the tape) is not easy but it is not impossible. You have the power within you to make the change or erase the old tape. It starts with loving and respecting yourself. To believe in yourself, no one else can validate you. When you look for others to validate you and believe your self worth is contingent on their treatment of you as a person, you will be disappointed, hurt and unhappy.

You must believe, love and respect yourself first. If you do not, do not expect to get it from others.     

I have explained to the best of my knowledge, experience, training, skill and education the reason why (DP) act the way they do. I have given you some of the tactics and behavior patterns that these personalities exhibit and use against you. Knowing and understanding these tactics and behavior patterns will help you to become aware early in your relationship/interaction before you have invested too much time and emotional energy with these dysfunctional people.  

 Personalities are very complex they are somewhat like our four primary colors, red, yellow, blue and green. The personalities I am profiling may be Extroverts, Controlled Extroverts, Ambiverts  or Introverts and the other four personality types in between that I have detected, identified, analyzed and evaluated, but that is where the similarities end.  The different traits and Intensity (mental strength) will have these personalities act and behave very differently from one another. The best way to explain this is by looking at our four primary colors, red, yellow, blue, green.  Mixing anyone of these four primary colors with one another and you have a new color or in a profiling situation a totally different personality type. The mixing of the colors are the traits that we detect, identify and analyze in the personality. We have one hundred twenty researched traits that interact with one another making each and every one of us totally different and unique personalities.    

The American Public is both uninformed and misinformed regarding forensic/therapeutic profiling, many people think we profile people bases on their race, creed, color, gender or national origin or if the personality is gay or straight. Nothing could be further from the truth. There is a marked difference between profiling and bigotry. In forensic profiling the profiler has the "who, where, why and how."  We try to prevent the "when."  In Criminal Profiling they have the "where, why, how and the when" and try to figure out the "who."    

Profilers work to come up with a personality profile based on behavior patterns consistent over a period of time. We attempt to answer the question what is the best I can hope for, what is the worst I can expect from this personality when their logic has been reduced and their emotions come into play. 

My job as a profiler is to unmask the personality in question, and uncover the dark side of their behavior if one exists.  

This is the primary reason, I warn my clients to be competent observers during the honeymoon phase of any new relationship which can last anywhere from six months to a year. This is the time period where everyone is on their best behavior. If the personality is putting up a false front or a mask you will notice leakage when they are under stress or when they have had a little too much to drink. Woman need to ask questions! Ask about their past relationships, how and why did it end? How did they treat their past girlfriend / wife. How do they treat family members, co workers and friends? A very good indication on his / her character is the people he / she associate with. 

When talking with people on the internet or meeting someone on a dating site, remember this saying before you meet or get emotionally involved with someone you really do not know:  

                                   This was best quoted by the famous FBI Profiler John Douglas,  

                                                      ANYONE YOU WANT ME TO BE   

When trying to understand and learn about the people in your personal and professional life and why at times they act the way they do. Remember, 

                                                       Traits are expressed through behavior. 
                                                   Past behavior is indicative of future behavior.
                                                              Behavior reflects personality.   
 

 I hope this article I have written has given you a better understanding of what I have called Dysfunctional Personalities and my personal experience talking to them and working with their partners who have suffered and are suffering the abuse, pain and chaos dealing with these abusive personalities. This has been a basic overview of their behavior patterns. These personalities are extremely complex and no two (DP) will act or behave in the same manner. Profiling has been my passion in life and all I have  lived for since the first day I started on my journey into the complex world of Understanding Human Behavior seventeen years ago. Remember what I have tried to teach and explain to you in this article, it is not you that is the problem, it is them. "Information is power, nothing like a little sunlight to disinfect."

If you should have any questions on forensic/therapeutic profiling, please call or e-mail me. I will be more than happy to talk with you.  

The following books are excellent sources of information and are a must read to help you understand the complex behavior patterns of these personality types:

• Dangerous Personalities: by Joe Navarro, M.A. FBI Special Agent (Ret.)

• Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited: by Dr Sam Vaknin

• Stop Walking on Eggshells: by Paul Mason MS (Author), Randi Kreger (Author)  

• Wendy T. Behary, LCSW; Disarming the Narcissist

• Telling Lies; Paul Ekman, Ph.D.

• Predators; Anna C. Salter, Ph.D.

• Dr. Susan Forward; Obsessive Love

References:

• Ronald H. Rice, BCFE Forensic Examiner;  Therapeutic and Forensic Profiling Course

• Dr. Ronal Rosso, MD

• Telling Lies; Paul Ekman, Ph.D.

• Predators; Anna C. Salter, Ph.D.

• Joe Navarro, FBI Special Agent (Ret.) M.A.  Nonverbal Communication Training Course

• Joe Navarro, FBI Special Agent (Ret.) What Every Body is Saying, Harper-Collins Publishers.

• Donald Bender, LMFT Forensic Linguistics Statement Analysis Training Course

• Donald bender, LMFT Clinical Statement Analysis Training Course

• DSM 4 TR 

• DSM 5

• Dr. Sam Vaknin;  Malignant Self Love Narcissism Revisited 

• Out of the Fog

• Shari Schreiber, M.A.; The Male Borderline

• Wendy T. Behary, LCSW; Disarming the Narcissist

• Daniel J. Siegel, MD; Disarming the Narcissist

• Jeffrey Young, Ph.D.; Disarming the Narcissist

• Dr. Susan Forward; Obsessive Love

• Wikipedia; The Free Encyclopedia

• A.J. Mahari June 26, 2008

• Cathy Meyer Original Content © 2007-2014 

• Understanding Human Behavior; Columbia House Volumes 1-24

• Angermentor.com